It’s hard to believe that in January of 2014, nearly two years ago, I weighed 320 lbs. There’s no excuse for it; I didn’t have a medical condition (they haven’t classified “cheeto-itis” yet, right?), I wasn’t sitting around suffering from mind-numbing, soul-crushing depression; I was just a lazy fat ass (my apologies to any lazy fat asses who may be reading this and take offense, almost nothing is about you, you fat bastard. All that repetitive breathing must be making you tired, you should nap). Since then, I’ve lost 140 lbs and managed to keep most of it off. Today I’m going to share my story, as well as some tips and tricks I’ve learned to lose (and keep off) the weight.
The first few weeks were the absolute worst. I had to ease myself into the huge dietary changes I planned on making, so I’d eat my usual breakfast (a home-made 3 egg, sausage, and cheese breakfast burrito washed down with nearly a quart of whole milk), then sit around playing video games while I awaited the typical morning explosion. Thus fueled and filtered, I’d haul my jiggly frame out of the house and hop on my bike to begin the first leg of my exciting new journey to health and wellness. (That’s right, a BIKE motherfucker! Big, sweaty, wheezy dude on a bike coming right at ya!)
Now, you may be thinking , “This fat fuck pedaled his ass to the goddamned gym everyday to engage in some strenuous exercise regimen.” Uh-uh, douche-bags, I rode my fat, sweaty ass nearly 5 whole miles to the local Wal-Mart, where I’d park my ample posterior right outside the front doors. I’d sit there for hours, watching the sea of “average Americans” flowing in and out of America’s favorite purveyor of cheap, Chinese products. IT WAS BRUTAL. Don’t get me wrong, I knew I was no prize pig, but these folks…
I saw it all; fat women, men, children, even fat babies. Not the adorable, chubby, nearly newborn kind of babies, either, I’m talking big, fat ass, cheeseburgers and fries for dinner type babies. The store regularly ran out of those little motorized cart thingies due to the sheer number of heifers. This particular Wal-Mart had a McDonald’s inside, so some days I’d wander in to see how many of the piggies (some of whom I’d seen eating on their way in) stopped to eat before — or after, or during — their shopping excursion (and to buy a couple Big Macs, who we kidding?).
I’d spend this time reflecting on the blob I’d become and giving myself little pep talks. Did you know fat people have exceptionally sharp hearing? They do. I can’t tell you how many near confrontations I had because some tubbo overheard my private musings.
“Did you just call me Greaso, The Clown Who’d Eat Himself?!”
“I’m talking to myself, Greaso. I’m obviously unhinged and dangerous. Waddle the fuck away before I stake you with a celery stalk or something…” (They’re like vampires, right?)
After a few weeks of this, I found myself with only two options; either I implemented PHASE 2 of my plan, or I laid in a bathtub full of candy and slowly ate myself to death. So, it was off to the gym for your porcine hero.
The gym. I still have nightmares about this place. All the grunting and sweating, loud noises. It was like being on the set of the world’s shittiest porn, minus the nudity and sex (though considering it was two minutes from my house, I have no idea what went on in the locker rooms). The first month or so was simple; iPod in, stationary bike for an hour, GTFO.
About two months into my routine, an old man approached me and attempted to strike up a conversation:
“Hey guy, I noticed you when you started coming. Great work, how much weight have you lost so far?
“About 35 lbs. you weird, stalkery old fuck. What’s it to ya?”
“Spit it out, Porky Pig. You’re blocking the road.”
“You know what? Fuck you, buddy. I came over here to give you a compliment.”
“Yeah, thanks for interrupting my workout, you old gimp. Why don’t you go have a heart attack on the rowing machine or something?”
The journey nearly ended there. I’d been kicked out of plenty of places, but I’d never had a membership revoked before. I spent a few days drowning my sorrows in Ben & Jerry’s, then got right back on the horse; albeit this time in public.
I’ll relate some of my further adventures in weight loss at a later date. For now, I’ll just leave you with some tips:
- Stop eating fucking garbage. Seriously, you can’t believe that anything you get at Burger King or Taco Bell could be healthy for you.I don’t care what the First Lady or anyone else tells you about “moderation”. That’s complete horse shit. Some things just AREN’T good for you, no matter how infrequently you partake.
- Move your goddamned ass. This is the most important tip I can give you. Get off your couch and move. If you’re too fat to run or bike, walk. Just do something.
- Don’t give up. It’s easy to get discouraged, especially since you probably won’t see results right away. Keep at it. One day, you’ll notice fewer rolls under your boobs, or that you don’t run out of breath going from the couch to the toilet.
That’s all I got for today. Stay tuned for my latest venture: MOVIE REVIEWS!